This is a guest post by Jenny Crawford, founder of LiterallyAlwaysHungry.
Just the thought of taking a bath disgusts me and sometimes makes me gag, so deciding to take a “detox bath” was very out of character for me. And now that it’s over I can confidently say NOT worth it.
So how did a girl who nearly throws up just thinking about a bath wind up paying $30 for French clay and sitting in a too-small tub? Goop. Yes, Gwyneth Paltrow’s blog, Goop, comes through once again. If you’re ever looking for something weird and expensive to try, just peruse Goop for a minute and you’ll be fine. And also possibly bathing in clay…
Obviously I put this bath off for a bit after it came in the mail because… ew. But after drinking for 8 hours on a Saint Patrick’s Day pub crawl on Saturday, I knew Sunday night needed to be spent in the tub. Which, by the way, was not big enough for me. I felt like Buddy the Elf at the North Pole trying to pretzel myself into a position that allowed for the majority of my body to be submerged. I managed to cross my ankles and get everything under except my kneecaps. I’m thinking this didn’t have a prominent effect on the overall detox but I’m not an expert, and I might have some pretty toxic kneecaps now.
Anyway, I followed the directions as best I could, but I usually manage to mess things like this up. I ran the bath water for what felt like forever until it looked like it was full enough. This might be simple for someone who takes baths often, but I had no clue what I was doing here. Next, I took the salt packet out of the bag and dumped the whole thing in. It dissolved pretty quickly and then it was time to get in and add the clay. I weighed my options for a minute and decided it didn’t make any sense to get in and then add the clay so I dumped it in first. Again, I don’t think this had a prominent effect on the overall detox, but not an expert.
Once I climbed in, which was a big step for me, I quickly realized I was severely lacking in water. Not sure if you’ve ever gotten into a bath with too little water before, but it’s awkward AF, like sitting on the shallow end of a wave pool except you’re naked. So I turned the water back on and sat there feeling very uncomfortable. I also started to get really self-conscious because I was sure my roommates could hear the water running and were judging me for how much I was using. Water in Southern California is a rare commodity, so I apologize to the environment.
Once I finally had enough water, I turned my Spotify Soft Pop Hits playlist on and set my timer for 20 minutes. Retrospectively, I’m not sure this was the best idea considering the detox I was doing was a “digital detox” meant to cleanse my body of the toxins it absorbs from using my phone all the time, whatever those may be… but I wasn’t about to sit in the tub for 20 minutes with no music, so I used technology. The review I read of this product on Goop said that when I was done I would feel very heavy getting out of the tub and then sleep for a really long time. This is not what happened.
In the bath’s defense, I drank a small iced coffee around 7 p.m., and that’s probably why I didn’t sleep well, but I was hoping the detox would be so intense the coffee wouldn’t matter, especially since I finished this bath around 10:30 p.m. Regardless, I didn’t feel any heavier getting out of the tub than any normal person climbing out of that much water would, so I started to get worried that this was all for nothing.
Afterwards you’re supposed to rinse off but not shower and then wrap yourself in a warm blanket for 30 minutes while you relax/sleep and sweat it all out. I’ll admit I was sweating a bit toward the end of the bath, but once I got in bed I was no longer hot, and I also only had a room temperature blanket handy, so that may have had a bigger effect than I intended. I struggled to fall asleep even though it was now 40 minutes past my bedtime. Yes, I go to bed at 10 p.m. Judge me.
As I lay in bed pissed about not being able to sleep and dreading my 6 a.m. workout alarm, I somehow managed to doze off. Waking up wasn’t as bad as I anticipated but then there was the workout part…
Being as I was supposed to sweat out the toxins after the bath but that didn’t happen, I think it all started to kick in during my workout. I did not feel right at all and every exercise felt abnormally tough. My stomach wasn’t feeling right and I decided to blame the bath. It could have been a myriad of things, like having an iced coffee for dinner and then working out on an empty stomach, but I am choosing to ignore that and place all blame on the bath. Even after the workout experience though, I do not feel better. I definitely do not feel rid of toxins and I definitely do not have a newfound appreciation for baths.
So what did I get out of this? A clean tub, I suppose, but not from the clay – I wiped that whole thing down with acetone before I got in because again, baths are disgusting.
What I Learned:
- I do not fit in my tub
- Baths are stupid
- I am likely still very toxic (cue Britney Spears sing along)